Through university, I had the chance to make new friends with whom I grew quite close - so much so that when I finally revealed my secret identity, and my gender transition was met with enthusiastic support. Instead, it would take another year and a trip home to the province of Quebec before I could do it. For all the time I spent falling in love with the romantic accessory during emotional bouts of insomnia, I never managed to find the courage to click “Buy.” Not while I was in Scotland, at least. However, when I returned to Canada, there was no flower crown in my luggage. Unlike with IRL shopping, I could take the time to look at every item in secret without worrying about the eyes of perplexed customers. And by “less scary,” I mean that it was still very scary. It felt less scary to buy one of those instead of a dress. And the closest path to that was a flower crown.Ĭoming out really is a process - a long, gradual, tumultuous one.īecause of this, I’d often find myself lying on my bed late at night browsing for the cutest flower crowns online. I identified with her I wanted to be her. But to me, they represented my idol, Lana.
#Lana del rey merchandise women full
Or maybe - in the most Lana Del Rey move possible - she would gift me with a flower crown, like the one from the cover for her breakthrough single “Video Games.”įlower crowns are full of symbolism - nature, purity, weddings, a free spirit. Like the big sister I never had, she would let me borrow her jean shorts or help me knot my T-shirt. I had a giant poster of Lana Del Rey that towered over my bed, and I liked to imagine that, from her spot, she could feel my pain. In my Scottish apartment, I found refuge. Part of me wanted to scream my womanhood to the world, but the rest of me still wanted to keep everything secret inside Every step I took toward femininity felt like advancing into the unknown. To my co-workers, my roommate and the staff in that shop, I was a boy - a boy who couldn’t wear dresses.Īt that point, early in my gender transition, the thought of buying a “women’s garment” was terrifying. The truth is, I was a woman only in spirit I wasn’t out yet to the outside world. I never even bothered to step into the store - not because it was outside of my budget or because it didn’t have my size. It looked as gorgeous as it looked comfortable, and for a second, I could see myself in it.īut I didn’t end up buying it. You name it, it was there.Īnd then there was this black dress - an elegant tight black dress with long sleeves - from a well-known fastfashion chain. I passed window after window, each filled with countless pairs of shoes, oversized hats, skinny jeans…. As I was walking back from my job as a French-language assistant, I passed the various clothing stores along Glasgow’s Buchanan Street with my headphones on and was surrounded by women’s clothing. Of all the countless musical strolls I went on during those 12 months (and there were many), one will always stand out in my memory. Hits by my role models Charli XCX and Sky Ferreira fuelled my spirits and imagination as I pretended to live the ultimate cool-alternative-girl fantasy of the mid-2010s. During the year I spent in Scotland, I listened almost exclusively to an all-girls playlist.
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